“I just can’t get out of bed. Not because I’m tired, but because I don’t want to deal with life right now. My aching body feels less achy when it’s supported by my blankets and pillows. That sinking feeling into my mattress allows me to know that I can’t fall off the edge, I can only keep sinking, which is strangely comforting. I feel somewhat safe with my sheets wrapping me up like a cocoon. My skin feels warmer in my sweatpants and baggy sweater, but my soul still feels cold. My head is racing with thoughts of all the things I have to do, all the things I should do, and limiting beliefs about myself and what I’m capable of. There are zero thoughts about what I WANT to do, because at this point I just don’t know. My heart is hurt but has created a shell that doesn’t allow me to feel that hurt completely, it’s actually pretty hollow. Though, I know I want to let myself feel the bitterness and frustration. It’s all very confusing, which doesn’t help anything.
Thinking about all of the places I have to go to, school, one of my four jobs (which I normally love), family events, friends parties. Thinking about how to muster up the courage to fake a few smiles and laughs, while engaging in conversation about what my plans are when I have no idea at this point. Having to hold back tears, tears that have an unknown meaning behind them- I just know that eventually they’re going to come out. I feel the anxiety in my throat, it’s suffocating.
I feel like my muscles are gone, and that my body I’ve worked so hard for has turned into mush, even though that’s not true. I feel like I’m floating, but it’s not a peaceful kind of floating, it’s a lagging kind of floating. Just like when that rainbow wheel on your computer keeps spinning and it takes forever until you believe you just have to kill the web page.” – Selena Jasmine Singh
That was one of my experiences dealing with my mental health that was suffering at the time. When depression and anxiety take over it’s hard to overcome it alone.
Honestly, I’m in a wonderful place in my life right now. If I wasn’t, I might not have been able to put myself back into that exact moment in order to pull out everything I was feeling so that I could share it with you.
No, I’ve never been diagnosed by a doctor or anything and I know a lot of people who haven’t. I don’t think you need to be diagnosed to know that something’s up. I catch a cold mentally sometimes, and I don’t see anything wrong with that. I’m grateful that I haven’t personally been suicidal, however I’m deeply impacted by loved ones who have been.
I’m always being told how confident I come across, how I look like I have my sh*t together, and how mentally strong I seem. Well, here it is. I’m a human being, just like you. So yes, I am confident most of the time but I have my insecurities. I do have my sh*t together most of the time, but I don’t always know what my next move is. And I am mentally strong, actually scratch that, I’m usually in a good place mentally. I’m mentally well, but there are times when my mental health catches a nasty flu. I don’t think being mentally weak is a thing, it shouldn’t be. It’s not a weakness it’s an illness.
Everybody’s experience dealing with their mental health is unique and challenging in different ways. It’s just reassuring to know that you’re never alone.
For me, my healing process for the experience I shared involved dropping everything, booking a flight to my happy place (California), taking a self-care week, and attending the Tony Robbins Unleash the Power Within seminar with my brother in San Jose. It also involved prioritizing my happiness, surrounding myself with people who match or surpass my energy, and living life on my own terms.
For you, the healing process might be different. In my opinion, just do whatever it is that will make you feel authentically you and genuinely happy to the core- but again, that’s just me.
I love how the #BellLetsTalk campaign has opened up the floor for so many individuals to take the stage and share their personal stories about themselves or others dealing with mental illness.
Keep sharing, raising awareness, breaking barriers and stigmas surrounding this incredibly important topic. It’s something we need to talk about. Keep the conversation alive, be kind, and listen.
Oh, and please don’t kill the webpage. Just open up a new one- there’s never a wrong time to start fresh.
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#BellLetsTalk #MentalHealth #SuicideAwareness